As I said last week, I feel this year’s presidential race has turned into nothing more than a cheap, tawdry version of a popularity contest. Frankly, the race for who’s going to be head cheerleader on the middle school squad is steeped in more maturity than this national race.
    As a result, I’ve decided to break down the races into Dr. Seuss-like poems since it seems like the majority of American people are too immature and ill-read to handle anything more sophisticated than cheap television sound bites, empty rhetoric and simple demagoguery.
    So, to follow up with last week’s “I Do Not Like That John McCain” based loosely on “Green Eggs and Ham,” this week  I’ve got “The Man Named Barack” based loosely on “The Cat in the Hat.” Hopefully, Dr. Seuss (rest his soul) will not take too much offense that I’ve linked something as slimy and pitiful as this presidential campaign to something as wholesome and good as his children’s books.      
    May the Seuss be with you (and forgive me).

The man named Barack, I started to say,
Came to the Senate in Jan-u-air-ay.
Two years in that chair and he just may
Become president in the U. S. of A.
A good-looking man, there is no doubt,
Appearance the same, since he was 12 about.
Just look at his views, you’ll surely see,
Obama – cult of personality.
A very smart dude, one thing is for certain,
But let’s take a look, under that curtain.

For the man, Barack, the disgust is quite visceral,
One term and already, the Senate’s big liberal.
Take a brief moment, you can’t help but sees
The leftist tilt to his policies.
Health care for all, raise tax on the rich,
His stance on abortion makes some people itch.
Wants to remove homestead tax exemption,
Without a doubt, that will get your attention.
Ignored people’s will, the man named Barack,
What most of us want, is out of Iraq.
To Dem leadership he unnaturally bows,
Otherwise we’d be out of there by nows.
Don’t want private social security,
We can’t be trusted to handle our money.
And for you teachers, he’s got an annoyance,
No more of that tenure, but pay for performance.

For the man Barack, I’ve got the notion,
His lack of experience caused quite a commotion.
Even Joe Biden, his choice for V.P.
“He’s not qualified to lead in D.C.”
He jabs at McCain, who owns seven houses,
And Sarah’s multi-thousand dollar blouses.
A man of the people, that’s kind of a lie-ee,
His “misspent youth?” Prep school in Hawaii.
Occidental, Columbia and Harvard, too,
Became editor, Harvard Law Review.
Let’s not forget, he’s a lawyer, too,
Not all that similar to me and you.

The man named Barack, he’s got crazy friends,
The preacher of his goes off the deep ends.
Saying “Gosh Darn” our imperial tendency
Sends ‘Publican loyals into a frenzy.
Got a big backer, some lady named Oprah,
Won’t have on that Palin, what a big dope-rah.

In this rhyme I’ve stuck with Barack,
‘Cause there’s no doubt and it’s a fact,
It’s pretty hard, it seems to me,
To rhyme Obama, don’t you agree?
Give it a whirl, try rhymin’ Obama,
Not fair to say somethin’ bad ‘bout his mama.
Suppose you could say his wife full of drama,
Or that he’ll come to D.C. riding a llama.
‘Cause Republicans really don’t like what they see,
With Barack’s cult of personality.

A paraphrased quote from the Seuss has appeal,
“Be who you are and say what you feel.
“Those who mind don’t matter, you'll find,
“And those that matter really don’t mind.”
So let me be plain, I’ve tried to explain,
Why I think either, is just a wrecked train.
I’ll put my cents in and start up a buzz,
My pick for President, the Zizzer Zazzer Zuzz.

Phil Boyum wonders who would steal a ceramic peace sign from an employment agency. If you have information, he can be reached at (912) 489-9454 or by e-mail at pboyum@statesboroherald.com.