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Name game with McCain
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    Honestly, I thought this presidential campaign couldn’t get any worse, but then the conventions rolled into their respective towns. What a disappointment.
    With a national stage, here was a chance for both parties to address some serious issues and lay out genuinely practical plans for truly improving the country. You know, something like acting more like a true republic, reducing the size of the federal government, returning to a Washingtonian non-interventionist foreign policy or fostering a real free market economy, not just one that caters to the global corporations, special interests and the politically connected.
    Unfortunately, there was nothing like that. Instead, all we heard were childish and immature attacks from both parties, with no prime time speaker saying anything whatsoever resembling intelligent debate.
    The worst part is the public ate it up with a big ol’ spoon.
    So, to simplify the campaign for the television sound-bite generation, I’ve decided to do a two-part series explaining the candidates’ stances in a Dr. Suess-like manner. I’ll start with McCain because he currently has a slim lead in the polls (and, frankly, his name is easier to rhyme).

That John McCain, that John McCain,
I do not like that John McCain.
That John McCain, that John McCain,
His lack of character, very plain.
First wife looked good before the war
Came back her beauty was no more.
Five inches lost in awful crash
Dumped her for a babe with cash.
Says family values are a must.
Please don’t try to lecture us.

I do not like that John McCain,
I really think he is insane.
He likes it in Afghanistan,
I think he wants to bomb Iran.
Have to finish Iraq first,
Be there hundred years, at worst.
His focus on Iran is weird,
How ’bout the guy with the big beard?
Never mentions him at all,
Isn’t he the one who made them fall?
Dude must be laughing at us all.

I do not like that John McCain,
I just can’t get upon his train.
Said no, at first, to MLK
For a federal holiday.
Years later changed and had to say,
“Oops, my bad. Are we OK?”

I do not like that John McCain,
He’s a maverick? Man, that’s lame.
You may like him, but you’ll see
He’s full of hypocrisy.
People think he is for change,
I think these folks are missing brains.
He votes like Bush, can’t you see,
With 95 percent certainty.
I do not like that John McCain,
Let me repeat my refrain.
He fought that war in Vietnam,
Of that I’m proud. So is his mom.
Knows of torture acts, first hand,
When he was in that foreign land.
He still supports its use for US,
In fact, he’s nary made a fuss
Despite the fact there is no jokin’
When a man’s will has been broken.
But information gained, you see,
Has no reliability.

I do not like that John McCain,
His spending policies are inane.
Economics not his suit, you see,
As he admitted, famously.
His economic policy
Nothing but chicanery.
Cutting taxes, I’m aboard,
But cutting spending he’s ignored.
When taxes cut add up to trillions,
You can’t cut spending by only billions.
Large profits gathered by big oil
Are causing people’s blood to boil.
Cut their tax, to please his shills,
Into his coffer they throw big bills.
John don’t really understand
By driving less, reduce demand
And prices fall throughout the land.

That I do not like John McCain
Will make our bloggers go insane.
You do not like him, so you say,
But VP Palin he chose today.
So try him now and you may
Like him more than yesterday.
As for me, I still say “Nay.”

    Phil Boyum is a poet, his feet show it, they’re Longfellows. He can be reached at (912) 489-9454 or by e-mail at
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