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Halloween dream wake
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In light of recent events, I feel the overwhelming need to make light of recent events. But my editor doesn't let me do that – wouldn’t want to taint my objectivity.
    Instead, I’ll cover something I have been thinking about for a while.
    Now, as much I think the stories that I write are earth-shattering and important to everybody on the planet - with the possible exception of the Inuit in Alaska – the fact is that most people would rather read the police blotter, the funny pages or the obituaries.
    So, with Halloween coming up around the corner – and with all the contentious blustering and ridiculous bloviating about the local election – I thought it necessary to let off a little steam.
    I’d like to talk about what a brave friend of mine should do with my body once it's been touched by the chilly finger of death (Hi Rheneta).
    Yes, that’s right. I’d like to discuss my funeral and wake.
    Let me start by saying that in this country, we take death far too seriously and we are far too overly dramatic about it.
    To that end, I decided that my wake should be significantly more spicy than a traditional wake. To wake people up, if you will.
    First, absolutely no organ music. None. Zip. Zero. Ok, unless it’s Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D minor.”
    Here’s a play list that I’d like people to hear on the way in:
    - Hell's Bells by AC/DC
    - Down in a Hole by Alice In Chains
    - anything by Megadeth
    - Officially Dead by Veruca Salt
    - Dead & Bloated by Stone Temple Pilots
    - Ha Ha You're Dead by Green Day
    - Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult
    Whoever the DJ happens to be can insert any other song they deem appropriate. (side note: anyone know where I can reserve a funeral DJ?)
    When people first come in for the wake, the music should be playing, but the casket should be in a side room. When the ceremony is about to begin, the light should dim, spotlights should be lit and a the voice of boxing's Michael Buffer should announce "Ladies and gentleman, Phil Boooooyyuuuum."
    Then, as they roll in the casket, the clip from Monty Python's "Holy Grail" should be played - "Bring out your dead" with a prerecorded voice-over from me reciting the part of "I'm not dead yet." The emcee (a close friend) should, at the appropriate time in the script, lift up the coffin lid and hit me on the head with a billy-club ("I feel happy. [whap]") and proceed with the service.
    The emcee (who I am heavily relying on not to wuss out at this point) should tell at least one or two highly inappropriate and off-color stories about that time in college when we went to Mexico, including the part about the pinata (you'll have to wait 'til I'm dead for the good part).
    Then, people will be invited to come up and view the body. Unbeknownst to them, there will be a motion-activated tape recorder tucked inside the coffin underneath my pillow. So as people walk up, it will cycle through the following phrases:
    - "Psst. Get me out of here!"
    - "Hey, did they put on too much make-up?"
    - "Could you turn up the heat? My hands are cold."
    - "Dude, watch the tears. This suit is a rental."
   Once the viewing is over, I'd like to have a couple of baton twirlers from the local high school to do a flaming baton routine to the tune of "Disco Inferno."
    At this point, anyone who would like to speak - or throw up - should be allowed to approach the podium.
    After everyone has had their say, a voice recording should be played over a photo montage consisting of 100 of the most crazy photos my friends can dig up (except that one from Mexico - I burned it already). The recording would say the following:
    "Dear friends who have stuck around, thanks for coming to my fond farewell celebration. I only ask of you one thing at this point - please no frowns. Life was pretty good to me. I had a great family, met some great people and had some great times. So, as your filing out to the after-wake celebration, try and remember one of my good jokes or a stupid story or one of my great "Feel Good Friday" columns - and share it with the other people in the room. In other words, spread around some smiles. One last thing which should make everyone smile - I put aside $5,000 in my will for food and an open bar. So get the hell out of here, have fun and tell some funny stories. Do it or I'll come back and haunt your walk-in closet."
    Close with the song "See you later alligator."
    Phil Boyum can be reached by going to a John Edward "Crossing Over" taping.

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