Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

I was asked if I had ever wavered or had a question concerning my faith. I have never tried to be evasive or even hide my answers behind double-talk or doublespeak like the political speech in Orwell's "1984" and just say what's on my mind and in my heart. Now, some questions do require a bit of tact. For instance, "How do you like my hat?" "Do you think I could lose a few pounds?" "I have had a complete makeover. Don't I look great?" I suppose I could have replied, "Yes, if you are going to the circus." "If pounds were money, you could balance the budget." "Please shoot your beautician."

I have learned that discretion is the better part of valor. 

When it comes to a question of faith, the answer can be iffy for some and downright overwhelming for others.

I always believed — but really in a very guarded way — that God wanted me to be a pastor someday. There was no hurry to make a decision because this might be no more than some boy's dream. If God really wanted me, He'd give me a Pauline experience or something just as dramatic that would leave no doubt.

Let's not forget God's gift of free will. The choice was mine and mine alone and was not preceded by a resonant voice from beyond or miraculous experience to give it some validation. I had a rather naive understanding of religion, plenty of intellectual shortcomings about the Bible, church government, religious history and no background in complex theology. Presbyterians require commitment to a process that demands a full-time, three-year, satisfactorily completed master's program. I can't even begin to talk about the sacrifices Julie made, along with our children, just to survive a clueless husband and dad! She is God's greatest gift!

OK. Seminary challenged my beliefs and made me question a lot of my positions I took for granted. More than once, I re-read Paul's answer that soon became mine, "Now I look in the mirror dimly, but someday I will see things clearly."

Here's when I began to waver. Things usually went very smoothly most of the time. The sun would be shining and the sky was perfectly dotted with fluffy clouds; the sea was as blue as blue could be and there was always a fresh breeze for sailing. Things were predictable and I sort of didn't need God so often and found my prayers were more repetitive than earnest. There were times when I read my Bible to discover how many contradictions or questions I could find. I make no apologies here, but just stating the realities that many folks might face. I took God for granted.

My faith was more solid in times of great stress. There were moments in my life when I could no longer count on my own ability to solve the problems. I could only stare at a wall and find only a flat painted surface and all my creativity, self-assurance and it-will-take-care-of-itself attitude was useless. I had no answers and had more than enough questions to last me forever and ever. Where did I turn? To the only source I had ever known to be ever-present and ever-sure. God was there for me and would listen to my anger, my fear, my insecurity, and yes, even my doubt. He understood my failed attempts and accepted my weakness, fallibility and was so patient and kind.

At that moment, I knew I would survive! It was not my faith in God! It was God's faith in me!

Perhaps this might help in times of stress. Life is full of mysteries and we just have to live one day at a time, accepting that which we cannot comprehend and rejoicing in that which we can. We will have all of eternity to get every answer. Just be patient.

Thanks, God!