By ANGYE MORRISON

amorrison@discoveringbulloch.com

Now that Christmas 2022 is over, Santa can take a well-deserved break. Then he needs to, apparently, head on over to see a stylist, hair dresser, and maybe even a plastic surgeon.

We talked with several third and fourth grade students at Mill Creek Elementary School to see if Santa needs a makeover, and then find out how they would change his look. It was apparent that Aralyn Fields, Austin Mosley, Liam Ray, Jaycee Nunnally, Kaidyn White and Cymiah Jorden all had definite ideas not just about Santa’s look, but also his ride and his communication methods.

Jaycee wants Santa to switch from wearing so much red to wearing green, accented by some gold boots and a green hat. She also wants him to color his beard so that it’s brown.

“I would take his hat off and expose his, maybe, bald head,” said Austin. He said Santa should wear a skinny chain, and lose the red coat and wear a leather jacket, red Nikes, ripped jeans and sunglasses.

Kaidyn agreed that Santa should wear some ripped jeans, but said Santa’s footwear should be Air Jordan Green Beans. He also thinks Santa should pierce one of his ears and his nose, and wear a loop in each one. 

Liam thinks Santa isn’t bald, and feels that Santa should show off his hair with a man bun, along with some jeans and a black T-shirt. 

Aralyn said the jolly old elf should wear black bubble slides, just like hers. 

Cymiah, who is a bit shy, didn’t want to change Santa’s look, but she had ideas about his ride. She thinks he should switch it up and drive a Lamborghini. Aralyn thinks he should drive a Mercedes, while Kaidyn puts him in a Dodge Challenger, and Jaycee says he should drive a Tesla. All of these, of course, would fly. 

“I’m just tired of that old busted wooden sleigh,” said Jaycee.

Austin didn’t think Santa should drive a vehicle at all, but instead should pilot a helicopter which, of course, wouldn’t need blades. It would fly with magic, he said. There would also be a hatch in the back that would open so that Santa could load and unload toys.

As for the reindeer, Austin thinks they should be upgraded to “angel pigs” – pigs with wings. Liam wants rats with bat wings.

The students all agreed that Santa’s bag needed an update as well, with Jaycee speaking up first and saying he should get himself a Gucci bag. Austin thought Santa should just store the toys in one of his boots, so he had nothing to carry. Liam said a magical hat would do the trick.

When it comes to how Santa communicates with the North Pole while he’s making his rounds, the group thought that this needed to be updated as well.

Liam had the plan for this: Santa would have a hat with a microphone built in so that he could talk to the elves, and they would have a hat at the Pole to receive messages and talk back. 

The group also felt that Santa should start speaking German or Spanish, or maybe even gibberish.

Santa’s image needs boosting also, and Austin said Santa should just change his name to Drippy Santa or “just Mr. Claus.”

Jaycee thinks Santa needs to see a plastic surgeon, and have his eyes, nose and mouth made smaller. She also said his voice needs to change, and he should sound more like Darth Vader. 

On Santa’s day off, all of the students said Santa sleeps and eats cookies, but Liam said he also works out because he needs muscles to drive the sleigh and lift his bag of toys. Kaidyn add that Santa spends time on his day off training his reindeer. 

With all of those changes, the group agreed that it might be a shock to Mrs. Claus, since her husband has looked the same for so long. But a couple of them knew exactly what she would say. 

“Oh, no, my poor little Santa Claus,” Kaidyn said she would exclaim. 

Jaycee said she’d probably just say, “Why would you do that?”

But Liam pointed out that she might not even recognize the jolly old elf she married.

“She would probably say, ‘Who are you?’” he said.