I brought in the mail expecting only the best of news: a long lost relative has just left me a gazillion dollars, Antiques Roadshow wants to buy my collection of CDs, here's my self-help book, "Playing the Banjo for Fun and Profit," and a request to be a guest of Oprah so I can explain to the world my new book, "Success is Just an Eight-Letter Word." I did get a complimentary copy of Time magazine filled with the 100 most influential people in the world. Wow!