Cars are one of the most important status symbols in America. The kind of car you drive indicates the kind of person you think you are, and the kind of person you want other people to think you are. Sociologists have long studied the different kinds of cars in order to determine how they relate to a person's self-image. We are happy now to bring you the fruits of that research:
• Subaru: You probably have oatmeal for breakfast. You only eat at fast food establishments, because you hate to leave a tip. You suspect that certain parties have it in for you; they are spreading rumors about your Subaru Forester that are lies! Lies! LIES! The only way to fight back is to wear tin foil around your wrists and carry a hot water bottle full of coconut water. That'll show ‘em, heh - heh- heh...
• Cadillac: You're rich, and you're old. You have a trophy wife who still plays with Barbie dolls. Rather than put a bumper sticker on your car you'd cheerfully drive it over a cliff. You polish it so often that you are suffering from Turtle Wax Syndrome - your skin is shiny and brittle. You are beginning to smell like the leather interior of your Caddy.
• Ford: Solid, dependable, and unexciting. Everyone says of you, "Good old So-and-So, you can depend on him/her for anything!" You haven't caused a raised eyebrow since your mother gave birth to you - and even the doctor couldn't stifle a yawn when he slapped your bottom. You're just taking up space, and will not be missed when you're gone. They forgot to take a yearbook photo of you in high school. You make good cannon fodder.
• Porsche: Not as gauche as the Caddy owner, but probably even richer. And definitely younger. You know how to wear a cravat, and talk like Thurston Howell III. You've started a charity foundation that helps the victims of Locust Valley Lockjaw.
• Hummer: You are a Falstaffian figure; robust, conniving, demanding and voluptuous. You quaff your Perrier, you don't sip it. You demand the very best, though you often can't pay for it. Your schemes of self-aggrandizement all come to naught, yet people still treat you like a great big teddy bear and forgive all your foibles and faults. You cause more road rage than traffic jams and truck spills combined.
• Scion iQ: You are a circus clown, and normally carry 16 other zanies in your teeny tiny car, getting out all at once in center ring. Does your nose honk if we squeeze it?
• Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile: You are our very best friend in the whole wide world! You are the smartest, the prettiest, the wisest person we have ever known. Your taste in automobiles is exquisite! Your rock, baby! Hold the mustard. Extra relish.
Tim lives in Provo, Utah. He is the proud father of eight children. A former circus clown, he currently works in social media and edits the political humor blog http://iwritetheblogggs.com/ He can be contacted at email@example.com