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Dear Abby 9/12

Mom wants daughters' dad to claim them as his own

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Posted: September 11, 2007 6:08 p.m.
Updated: September 26, 2007 5:00 a.m.
    DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of three girls, ages 12, 5 and 3. Yes, they all have the same father — which is part of my dilemma.
    When my oldest daughter was 2, her father and I broke up and were apart for seven years. He has always been a good father, so we never lost contact with each other. Well, a couple of years later he became engaged, and in 2002 he got married. The problem is I was seven months' pregnant with our second child when he married. Two years after he was married, I gave birth to our third child.
    Despite my family's urging, I firmly believe that I should not be the one to tell his wife about his two "other" children. The girls are getting older and want to spend more time with their father — not to mention that sometimes I just need a break!
    After five years, he still cannot bring himself to tell his wife. The younger two kids have never been to his house, and when he does come around to see them or take them somewhere, it's only for a few hours at a time — maybe a couple of days out of the month.
    I definitely do not want to break up their marriage — if it comes to that — but I need help with these kids. She should definitely know, right? -- NOT THE INNOCENT VICTIM IN OHIO
    DEAR NOT THE VICTIM: This man sees his children "a few hours at a time — maybe a couple of days out of the month," and you call him a good father? He doesn't sound like Father of the Year to me. He sounds irresponsible. You did not mention whether he's supporting your three children, but if he's not, he should be.
    Of course his wife should know what her husband has been up to. However, whether you're the one to tell her is debatable. Give him a deadline to own up, and tell him if he doesn't tell his wife, you will. But if you do, be prepared for her to be irate. She may forbid her husband from seeing you — and who could blame her? After all, you have been having unprotected sex with her spouse.
    Because you need respite from caring for your daughters, explore whether this man's parents or siblings would be open to baby-sitting. But don't count on his stepping up to the plate any more than he has — unless you have a court order in your hand.

    DEAR ABBY: My husband and I know a couple that we see nearly every weekend. While "Dixie" is easygoing and fun, her husband, "Fred," is extremely competitive. He has already ruined board games and Pictionary for me, and recreational sports like bowling and pool are no longer fun, either.
    Fred is always either gloating because he won or sulking because he didn't. Fred is otherwise a funny, intelligent man. Aside from turning down invitations to spend time with them, how can we avoid the frustrations that come from hanging out with Fred? -- TEAM PLAYER, RENO, NEV.
    DEAR TEAM PLAYER: Fred may be funny and intelligent, but he is also immature and a poor sport. Avoid the frustration by scheduling other kinds of activities when you see this couple. Invite them for dinner and a movie, or another event that doesn't involve competition such as a play, a concert or a social event involving other friends. If that's not feasible, then you'll have to limit your time with them.
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